Who am I??

I was reading a book that my NP gave me during last month’s support group meeting “The Real Skinny on Weight Loss Surgery”. It was ok, but focused mostly on bypass sugery. However, one thing really spoke to me. One of the authors was talking about how after losing the weight she did something she always wanted to do – play softball with her friends. After the game she was really glad she did it, but she decided that it wasn’t what she wanted to do anymore. She had much more fun watching the game and talking with the fans.

The point was that the “little victories” we experience along the way aren’t milestones back to who we were, but instead stepping stones to who we are becoming. We may or may not like the same things that we liked years ago. Most of us are much older than we were when we were “skinny” and we have gone through many experiences that have shaped us into different people.

For myself, the last time I was my goal weight I was in middle school. My biggest concern ironically was my weight. I can remember not going downhill skiing during one of our field trips b/c you had to put your weight on the signup sheet. I can remember being scared to death of joining the high school marching band b/c you had to get sized for your uniform (but I didn’t let it stop me this time). I can remember one of the boys standing up in class and singing “I like big butts…” when watching me walk across the screen on the tape of a band concert (and he didn’t mean it in a good way). My weight defined what I did and what I didn’t do.

I struggled with the idea that I my goal was that same weight (or even a little less). I struggled with the idea that the same concerns were going to be there, but on an adult scale. After reading this book I realized that I am not going back to the me I was before. I may end up the same weight, but I am a completely different person. Yes I knew that I am not an 8th grader anymore, but that wasn’t it. It was all the barriers that I remembered at that weight. All the things I didn’t do. All the things that held me back. It was partly the weight and partly the introversion and both got worse as I held myself back.

I have been that person for the last 19 years. As I have gotten older I have actually gone farther in my shell. I am not THAT person anymore. As I am going through this journey I am focusing on becoming a different me (thus the name of my blog). Not just a skinner me. I will still be me, but I will be a better and stronger me. I will eliminate the barriers in my life and slowly work on finding what things really make me ME.

Over the last few months I have been changing. There are things that I want to do now that I never wanted to do before (like run a 5k). There are also many things that I have wanted to do that I just wrote off thinking it just wouldn’t happen. I decided a couple days ago to start writing them down. I am going to focus on the physical things I want to do now, but someday I will add more. After I do these things I may find that I never want to do them again – just like the author now knows she doesn’t want to play softball. BUT they are things that I want to experience. Things that will help me figure out what I really want to become.

So here is my list so far. I have placed it on the side of my blog and will add to it as I go along.

• Parasailing
• Half Marathon
• Rock Climbing
• A High Ropes Course
• Whitewater rafting/kayaking
• An official 5k - Done!
• An official 10k
• A Zip Line Course
• Sea Kayaking
• Ride a Motorcycle
• Attend a Retreat or Getaway Weekend