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After watching biggest loser last night a few things really stuck in my mind.
Mike struggled greatly with the fact that even after losing all the weight he has he is still heavier than many of the contestants – when they started. He hated the fact that after all his hard work he was still fat. I felt so bad for him during the makeover show. While others were shopping with each other, he was shopping alone in the specialty store. I am sure, in his mind, this helped minimize all his hard work.
I feel the same way sometimes. I have lost 64lbs [now 65] which is a great victory, but I am heavier than some of you – when you started. Not long ago when I looked in the mirror I saw the “changes”. I noticed my “smaller” belly, my “smaller” legs, my “smaller”… you get the idea. It was more about the differences between where I started and where I was now.
Recently, that has changed. I said in an earlier post that I feel like the Tracy I was for years. At 220/225 I was at a weight that I recognized myself. I felt good. Now at 211, I am smaller than I have been most of my life. In fact, since my High School graduation 13 years ago I have spent a total of 6 months under this weight.
Even though I have reached this amazing milestone I have gotten to the point lately that when I look in the mirror I see the obese person I still am. When I try on clothes I notice the back fat that seems to be getting worse. A month ago I was amazed at how much had disappeared. But the fact is I am Obese… still… There is no sugar coating it. After 64 pounds I am still severely obese. Crap…
Now I am not minimizing all my hard work. I have lost 64 pounds and I am absolutely thrilled. I know I will be smaller soon. However, it does feel a little crappy that even at my goal weight I will still be overweight according to the medical profession. I wonder if that will be enough to get rid of the back fat, to shrink my thighs a couple more inches, to get into a size 12… I also think about where I would be if I hadn’t gained that last 25 pounds. I would have gone into surgery with a BMI over 40, but I would have been 25 pounds closer to my goal. I just wish I would have known about the band 4 years ago, but who knows - I might not have truly been ready (or had such a great doc!).
Another thing I noticed in the Biggest Loser show that sticks in my mind is Sunshine. She and I started at the same point (275). In 17 weeks she dropped 99 pounds – which is one pound less than my goal. She looked great. It was nice to see. When they showed her at the end they said she had lost 113 pounds (162 – which is right around where I am now thinking my “final” goal will be). I felt really good at this point. I mean she looked great! I thought “See 160 may be still overweight but it might be the right weight!” Then I noticed the words that said see wanted to lose another 25 pounds by the finale. Of course… crap.. as soon as I had started feeling good about my goal again. If she does lose that she will be 137 – which is firmly in the “normal” range, but way less than what my doctors think is healthy for me.
On a positive note I LOVE the fact that I am THIRTY six pounds from my goal. Just saying the word THIRTY is amazing!! It won’t be long before I can say twenty and it will feel so great! I also love the fact that in 3 pounds I will the lowest weight I have been as an adult! The thing I love the most – the fact that no matter what my “final” goal will end up being I am at least half way there!
Nice when you move out of an obese label. Soon to overweight. You could have still had surgery at 34.8 (I did) but you are right-you would have been footing the bill. The season finale of BL is on tonight so I'll have to remember to watch it.
ReplyDeleteSorry but I hit the Post button too soon and hadn't finished so I'll continue--I think it takes our minds a while to come to terms with how we have changed. I finally bought some new clothes even though I still have 40 pounds to lose(more than you!). I feel so thin now, yet last week I felt fat. I don't think the BL is realistic in the amount they lose. I think you have to adjust gradually to the changes. Remember when they said that going home wasn't the end-they still had to work to take off more weight and keep it off. I think we have to do some brain work to accept ourselves when we finally say "I'm at goal". I wonder what it will be like.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel too, sometimes I get so overwhelmed, sometimes I feel so damn fat, even though I've been way fatter before and didn't feel this way about myself. I saw you commented on Sherry's BMI post, so I'm glad you saw that. I think we just have to learn to trust ourselves and know that when we get to a weight that feels good to us, we'll know it. My goal weight is till overweight, but I know when I was there years ago, I did not feel overweight. So, hang in there, you are doing so great! I wish I was were you are now.
ReplyDeleteIt feels the same way at any weight. I went from 299 to 176 (currently). As I lost weight, some parts of me got uglier! And, even though I look and feel good, I am keenly aware of the fact that I am still overweight! You're the same you on the inside no matter what your outside, and it can be a challenge to wrap your head around, and truly appreciate where you are. You'll reach your goals, too. And most times, I'm super happy about where I am, but sometimes... not so much...
ReplyDeleteBoy, we have alot in common. I am feeling all those same things you are feeling...we have lost about the same, and weigh about the same. My back fat sucks! it's huge...and while yes I can tell I have lost...I still look and feel fat...obese...I wonder if I will ever feel different...
ReplyDeleteYep - I feel the same way. I've lost 63 pounds (I think maybe in the morning I can say 65) but I am still the biggest person in my office, the biggest person in my family, etc...
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't feel good to know that I could lose another 100 pounds and still be overweight. It stings a little. It stings a lot actually. But it is what it is and thank goodness we've got the tools to change ourselves one pound at a time!
I guess we all hope to be one of those people, like Sally, that gets to their realistic goal and just keep on losing...
When I think back to what I used to weigh just a decade I wonder why I couldn't reign it in when I was 20 - 30 pounds overweight. When I look ahead to how much I still have to lose it can be overwhelming at times but I remind myself to focus on 10 pounds at a time.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing really well, only 36 pounds away from goal is awesome. Keep up the great work!
Very relevant thoughts. I feel very slim at times and then when looking ofr new pants for work today the shop assistant guessed my size as 14 I felt deflated. Yep, I am still a 14 even though some of my 12's fit...it is because I stretched them to buggery on the way up on the scales. My thighs are still yuck and after 50 lbs down I still have a double chin, I am very tight or now so close to TOM I can eat more but get confused about having a fill....sorry to off load on you ...your post opened my feelings up and I can't even be bothered blogging about it. However...you ARE over 60 lbs down and so close to your goal. Re-assess yourself then and you know what??? We don't have to fulfill the BMI range if we look and feel great. You are inspiring...keep at it
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