Stress and My Weekend Away

This last week has been crazy. I got my “fill” on Tuesday and was on the post fill diet. For some reason this really bothered me this time. I could tell something was going on with my blood sugars. I just felt shaky and “icky”. On Wednesday, I decided to up my sugars some and have a high protein hot chocolate (made with my yummy candy cane hot chocolate from when I was trying to increase my calories after surgery).

With the hot chocolate, I would have been fine with my calories – just a little high on the white carbs. However, I didn’t do that. I grabbed the can of hot chocolate mix and a spoon…. And then did it again the next day. Between the two days I had probably 3-4 servings of high sugar hot chocolate. It didn’t kill my diet, but this was the first time I gave into my former bad habits and it was just too easy. It was a reminder of how easy it was to gain all the weight back in the past.

Along with a case of the “icks”, late last week I also started feeling really stressed  and started my period. I am certain the 3 were interconnected and honestly it sucked. On a side note - I can’t believe my body has already started to regulate itself into somewhat regular cycles. For those of you who don’t know Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) typically greatly upsets someone’s cycle (sometimes you only get a few a year – maybe less). I am not used to this emotional crap anymore. Plus stress usually causes my sugars to drop – not including what a high carb “mushy” diet can do… grr…

Anyways… thanks to my increase in stress I was not looking to attending my dad’s family’s belated Christmas party. We always meet at a hotel during the beginning of January. There were several reasons I didn’t want to go. First I didn’t think I was emotionally up to the drama that always occurs. Plus I really didn’t want anyone to know about the surgery or to ask me about it. I know my uncle heard about it, but my dad told him he was wrong. I will probably tell them someday, but I just wasn’t ready for it.

I felt like I was spaced out during part of the time, but I had a pretty good time. The most stressful part was the food. They had so much food I couldn’t eat…soooo muchhhh… My mom brought things that I could eat and so did I so I stuck pretty much to that part of the food line. I tried not to even look at the rest (but who could miss the cookies, cupcakes, potato chips…). It was hard. I thought I was going to cry when I saw the fudge (which I didn’t see until I moved a lid out of my way.. .grr…)

It showed me that I really really need some restriction to do things long term, but overall I think I did really good. Cheese, meat and a broccoli salad was what I stuck too with no trips to the other side of the food tables. I also brought some almonds and a protein bar since I skipped meals in my rush to get there. Over the whole night I probably had more than I should have, but not by much.

Strangely enough, the easiest part for me “food wise” was when we went out to breakfast. We went to Cracker Barrel and they had plenty of options for me. I ended up getting one egg and a piece of turkey sausage with 2 biscuits. I gave one of my biscuits away and ate part of the other one (hollowed out) with sugar free jam.

The bad part was I really stuck out. Mine was so much smaller than everyone else’s. Most people had twice the food I had PLUS grits, sausage gravy, hashbrowns or twice what I had PLUS three plate size pancakes. You get the picture. I stuck out. Now, nobody noticed my weight loss (which I was glad for), but they did notice my very “small” plate. Someone even asked if I was counting calories. I just simply said yep and I am about a third of the way to my goal.

When they asked if I was doing a special diet I had to smile. I had prepared what I was going to say ahead of time and so I was easily able to explain that I was insulin resistant so with the help of my doctor I am doing a higher protein lower carb plan (not low carb mind you). I felt great. I had gotten over one of my big fears and it was a piece of cake.

Now that all of that is over, I have started this week off right. I am back to regular meals and exercise. Luckily, I am not much of a stress eater so except for the hot chocolate I didn't really "overeat" last week.  I just didn't follow the plan (ie. skipped meals, didn't balance my protein and carbs...). Hopefully, in the next few days things will get back to normal body wise and I will start losing weight again. So far I have “only” lost 2 lbs this month and the lose, gain, lose, gain, lose pattern of my weigh this month has been slightly distressing. I know it is normal, but I normally don’t bounce so much and I just can’t wait to start moving again. I have to remind myself that it is only the 11th and 2lbs in less than two weeks is good!

Yes this journey is a challenge...

Biggest Loser's Public Weigh In

I don’t know how many of you watch The Biggest Loser, but tonight was the beginning of a new season. They started out this year having the contestants start out weighing in in PUBLIC. And by public I mean like downtown outside in front of family, friends, neighbors, and strangers. Now I know eventually, people are going to see the weigh in even if it is not public, but by then you would have lost weight and it would be easier (I think the show runs something like 8 weeks behind taping).


Bob and Jillian then ask if you would be brave enough to do that. NOPE!! I personally have chosen to tell only family and not even all my family about having surgery – and if I could do it over I would have told a few less family members since some of them have blabbed to others I hadn’t told. I have not told any friends (all of them live away now and won’t notice for a long time). I have made darn sure my work doesn’t know – even though I think my boss might have seen something on my pc :(

I might eventually tell more people, but not until I am far into this process. I can’t even imagine standing in front of everyone and standing on a scale before I lost a single pound. Right now, my medical team and my parents know my weight. I cringe when I think family members knowing it. I would die (or feel like it) if co-workers saw it (not a heavy one in the group).

Now maybe if I had made it onto The Biggest Loser I would have been brave enough, but I might have just told them to stuff it ;)

6ccs???? and Pics

So today was supposed to be my 2nd fill, but we have no idea if it worked or not. Yesterday, the office called me and tried to reschedule until the end of the month with the excuse that it was too early. Of course, I freaked. I am holding on through will power alone and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep going without help.

The NP wasn’t there for me to talk to, but I asked to keep the appointment to at least get my restrictions lifted. The receptionist called back a few hours later and told me that she talked to the NP and the reason she wanted to move it was b/c there wasn’t going to be a doctor on site until the end of the month. My NP is new and she hasn’t done a lot of fills so she likes to have someone there when she does them. She said that if I was willing to take a chance she would try, but she wasn’t promising anything.

When I went in today I could tell she really didn’t want to do it. She was obviously hesitant and I could tell she was going to tell me to wait. Three weeks!! Before she could even start I told her how I had absolutely no restriction. I showed her my journal for yesterday and told her how the only way I was making it was drinking and drinking and drinking.

She looked a little thoughtful and then continued taking my stats and running through the usual questions. When she got to how much I was drinking I told her that I had been averaging 12 cups a day sometimes more than 15. Her jaw almost dropped :) She asked why I was drinking so much and then I could see it click; “Because you’re hungry right?” I really wanted to say something smart at this time, but I held my tongue.

She is really nice and I understand she didn’t want to mess up and was trying to find a way to push me to the end of the month. But sometimes it is really annoying to talk to these “skinny” people. They are supposed to be advising us, but they just don’t know what it is like. But I know they care, they just don’t get it sometimes.

She agreed to do the fill, but warned me that she wasn’t going to keep jabbing me and that she would give it her best try. Honestly, if I thought she was someone who would keep jabbing me I wouldn’t have even suggested it. I did figure it was worth a try though.

She got everything ready and inserted the needle. I could tell that she got it in the port and I was very happy. However, after she inserted the saline I could tell that she wasn’t happy. She tried to withdraw the fluid to double check that she hit the right spot, but nothing came out. She actually took the needle out and put more saline in it and injected it once more. She said she was going to try something more time and then stop.

I don’t think she added more liquid in, but she said she still couldn’t get anything out – even though we both agreed she hit the port. She said that she has seen it do this before in a successful fill, but there was no way to tell without poking me again (and maybe again) until she got it where she could remove the fluid. Neither one of us were willing to do that.

Just in case she did hit the right spot she had me drink some water. It did feel different. Almost like the water sat in my throat for a moment. She decided that we would call it a good fill, but at my next appointment if I didn’t feel any restriction the doctor would remove everything and then fill it up again. I am hoping that we hit pay dirt :)

While at the office I had them email me my “before” picture. I forgot to take my camera with me before surgery and ended up using my iPhone – which takes crappy pictures. I wanted a good picture to use as a comparison. I added my surgery pic and a picture taken today (on the iPhone again). Even though today’s picture didn’t turn out the greatest I am happy with the differences already! My only regret is that I tried to wear light clothes for that first pic. I was trying to get close to what I wear when I weigh in at home, but now that I weigh in with winter clothes it is hard to compare - plus I didn’t really like that shirt ;)

2010 Word Poster

Tonight, I was looking for a graphic or something that I could place on my blog to remind me of my "word" for the year. I didn't find what I was looking for yet, but I found a great site that sells posters and they had a ton of motivational word posters.  It had tons of words (Achieve, Focus, Adventure, Journey, Believe, Challenge) and many varieties of posters and art.  I found a great poster that I can get in a small size and I think I will hang it in my house. If you can't read it is says "Challenge: Those that dare to venture experience the greatest rewards."  I love it! 

Downsizing and NSV

If you noticed my post about my 10 major goals for 2010 included a lot of downsizing: my weight, my debt, my bills, and my possessions. Most of this I had planned for last year, but many things slowed me down (including the downsized economy that had my pay downsized).

Thankfully, downsizing isn’t always a negative. One great example of this is my measurements. My last update on Dec 6th (3.5 weeks after starting preop) had me down 6 inches.

Now almost 7.5 weeks into this journey (and six weeks after surgery) my numbers have changed dramatically. I have been told my family that I look much better (and much healthier), but I never believed that the numbers had changed so much over the last 4 weeks. I have lost 21 inches!!! Wooohooo!!

The best part is that most of the inches lost have been in my hips, waist, and chest. I have lost most of my “middle” weight which is much healthier. I am now starting to get the body shape that I am used to having (somewhere between a hourglass and a pear depending on weight). People normally think I weigh less than I do (including doctors) because my weight was dispersed well.

Once I started to gain the last 30lbs that changed. I looked my weight – and felt it too. I had a puffy look that I just couldn’t stand. Now I look and feel so much healthier. Yes I am still obese and I still look it, but I look and feel so much different – 21 inches different!! Yeahhhh!!!!

My Ten for 2010 and My “Word” for the Year

I never have been one to create New Year’s resolutions, and I don’t really plan on starting this year. To me resolutions always seemed too vague (like lose weight or exercise more) to be successful. I had learned at some work training about the difference between resolutions and goals. I tried to find the study that was discussed, but I found that there are many websites that talk about this concept. Wikipedia seemed to phrase what I wanted the best:

Recent research shows that while 52% of participants in a resolution study were confident of success with their goals, only 12% actually achieved their goals. Men achieved their goal 22% more often when they engaged in goal setting, a system where small measurable goals are used (lose a pound a week, instead of saying "lose weight"), while women succeeded 10% more when they made their goals public and got support from their friends.

Goals are something that most of us are familiar with. Maybe some of you have also heard of S.M.A.R.T. goals. This acronym stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time based. We use this same system at work and my surgeon’s office promotes this system for their patients. In this mindset I have set up several long term goals for this year with a spin.

Here are my 10 for 2010:

1. Lose 10 lbs every 8 weeks
2. Pay off 10k of debt (house, credit card, student loan,car) not including interest by end of year
3. Toss or box for garage sale 10 items from each room each month until sale - trash doens't count :)
4. Complete 10 blog postings every month
5. Increase exercise to 10 hours every two weeks
6. Attend 10 events this year
7. Save 10% of income by year end
8. Complete a 10 minute mile by year end
9. Decrease utility bills by 10% (in total) by year end (tv, cell, phone, internet, gas, electric)
10. Spend 10 hours a month dedicated to house work

 Also, I have set up my “word” for 2010. I have seen many other blogs do this. I am not sure who started it and all the words that have been chosen, but I have picked “challenge”.

Challenge (v): 1) to summon to a contest of skill, strength, etc. 2) to demand as due or deserved 3) to take exception to; call in question 4) to confront or defy boldly 5) to arouse or stimulate especially by presenting with difficulties

I chose this word for many reasons. First, this entire process is a challenge (a contest of skill, strength). Not that I am competing with other people. I am challenging myself and I mean to win. Second, I am demanding this for myself. I deserve it. Third, I will take exception to those things that hold me up. Whether it is myself, weight loss statics (losing only 60% of excess weight), or things that my nutritionist says that just doesn’t make sense (like eating less than 40 carbs a day – which they later retracted). Forth, I will confront or defy anything that gets in my way. Fifth, getting presented with difficulties only will make me stronger.

For Linda O – and anyone else :)

Linda O posted about living with no restriction and asked about how to maintain or continue your weight loss during that crazy phase between surgery and getting restriction (sometimes called Bandster Hell).  Since my comment started getting really long I thought I would make it into a post instead. 

Of course, I am not an expert and anyone reading this should follow their doctor’s recommendations – especially since every surgeon seems to have a different approach. However, I been actively working on making it through this phase successfully and hopefully my experiences will give someone ideas that may help them.

Things that have helped me:

1. Eat six meals a day.

This is what my doctor recommends and it is really helping me. If I skip a snack (or meal) it is almost guaranteed that I will have challenges that day. Eating 3 small meals and 3 snacks is a key way to help keep your blood sugars level through the day. This will help you from getting as hungry – especially if you suffer from carb cravings.

No mater how often you are supposed to eat DON'T skip meals – even if you are busy. If you are going out shopping take a snack with you. There are many snacks that pack really well (ex. String cheese, a ready to drink protein shake, etc…)

2. Keep your meals balanced.
Your breakfast should be the same size as your dinner. When I first heard this from the nutritionist I didn’t believe it. I am not hungry at all in the morning, and I get very hungry in the evening. However, once I started to balance out the calories I noticed that I didn’t get as hungry in the evening. I still don’t understand, but honestly I see a huge difference when I follow this and when I don’t.

If you are on a 1200 calories “plan” you should aim to have 400 calories and 20g protein morning, afternoon, and night. I am not a big breakfast eater (food doesn’t even sound good to me until I have been awake for hours) so I normally have a meal replacement high protein shake. Even though it is a slider food it works for me right now. Another tip I was given was to eat "dinner" foods for breakfast if you have issues getting the right balance.

3. Drink, Drink, Drink.

Getting plenty of water is KEY. People recovering from major surgery can have issues with dehydration. I have also read that Bandsters are also prone to this longer term (but I can’t remember why). In addition, drinking lots of water will help your skin bounce back and lessen the chance of having saggy skin.

Also, water helps keep you FULL. First, your body can mix up the feeling of thirst and hunger. Second, it gives you something to “do”. I have found the simple act of “sipping” (ok… I don’t really sip yet) water helps trick my mind and helps with some of the mental hunger that plagues us. Third, it adds something to your stomach. Even though it flows through the band I feel like I have a full stomach by the time I am done. If I get hungry before I am supposed to eat I typically will drink something first. Most of the time it works – at least long enough to get me to a meal

Ok. Many of us know WHY we need water, it is HOW that seems to trip us up. In the beginning, I had issues with getting enough. This really surprised me since prior to the surgery I was drinking something ALL the time and have ever since I was a baby. However, after I had to separate food and drink I found that it got much harder since I stopped keeping something to drink with me.

To help I started using a refillable 24oz water bottle. I keep the bottle out of reach during meals and the prescribed ½ hour before and after, but otherwise I try to keep it with me all the time – even in the car when I go out. I try and drink a full bottle between each meal and snack. Normally at the end of the day I finish up whatever is remaining and typically get 74oz of water (flavored with crystal light) – and sometimes more. My goal for the day is breakfast, water, snack, lunch, water, snack, dinner water, snack (and a little more water).

4. Measure and Count

Although most of us don’t want to count our calories and stick to that strict diet mindset, I think that doing this during periods of no restriction is important. That doesn’t mean you have to do it all the time. However, the more problems you are having the more essential it will be.

I firmly believe that spending a week measuring food, counting calories, and journaling will help “reset” your mind on what a band serving size is and what a 1200 (or 1400, 1600 etc…) calorie day looks like. The farther we get from this the larger our serving sizes tend to get and the less accurate our mental estimates get.

I personally don’t always want to be in this diet mindset since I am approaching this more as a lifestyle change. I have started skipping days in my journal, and I don’t regret it. My plan for the future is to do at least 1 week a month. Also if I think I am changing my behavior because I am not writing it down I plan on going back to journaling for a while. I don’t want to get to the point that I think I can add something just because I am not writing it down today.

5. Mindset

Bandster Hell is hard. I won’t lie. It gets harder each day. Even though I have my “tricks” to help make it easier for me - I know that it is much easier to do things wrong. When I am out and forget to bring something with me it is really really tempting just to stop and get a small something from McDonald’s. When I am hungry between meals, I know I could feel full by eating instead of drinking my water.

However, I am determined to make it. I want this really bad. This “hell” won’t last forever. Since I am able to do almost anything for a day I am trying to take this phase a day at a time. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know what I want and I know what I can do to help myself.